Well... Re-reading that last journal certainly was something
I can see now that I was mood swinging something bad. I would go from 'lifes not bad' to 'well im gonna die gay and alone' pretty fucking fast >_<
However, Im not 100% sure but I can say fairly certainly the stress of uni has been getting on top of me. The Uni I want to go to hasn't given a response yet and having to sit on my ass waiting for them to email me is killing me. Im finding it more difficult as I get older to be patient and let things I cant control come around to me but its mental torture waiting around and I like to feel like im making progress. But progress is being made. I have got the idea cemented for my current project at college and I like it, so Im gonna get to scripting it ASAP
Im also getting good headway on some of the drawings I promised and I should hopefully have one or two done in a week or two. Its not mch progress, but its enough.
And the rest of this mood is probably also down to my sexuality because I do know that my friends and family love me no matter who I date and stuff but still, not knowing what you identify as yourself is such a painful situation and it can really weigh on you. I know I like girls, and I know the only men I have every wanted to sleep with have been fictional or way out of my reach (like celebrities), but I don't feel nothing towards men, I find them attractive and god knows I would make out with a couple if I could. But yeah, losing my virginity at this probably wasn't the wisest choice either at this point XD not that I regret, I definitely don't regret it, but it made me feel just as, if not more confused so Im just spinning myself in circles :'D But oh well, Im much clearer now, I came out to my best and oldest friend and she was super good to me and I love her to bits, and it is such a brilliant reassurance when I remember that she, and the friends like her I've made, will always be there <3
Also I nearly started bawling while we were talking over the phone, hearing the restraint in my own voice amused me :') Im such a baby.
Ill talk to you later with hopefully some good news